Our feelings on Openness

Post Edit Note:
I wrote this post sometime last year. I still stand by what I wrote but after reading through it again tonight, I wanted to add a little something. I'm afraid that what I wrote about openness will scare away birth families. At the same time, I'm not going to promise everything when I don't know our birth family yet.

But I can tell you my dream of openness and what I envision.

I hope for a communication that is completely honest.
I desire a situation where all of our families come together as one.
I have no issues with our birth families coming to our home and regular visits - I'm just not going to promise it on my blog before I've met you! :)
I pray for our additional birth moms to love all of my children as much as their own (or at least almost as much!)
I hope for a birth mom who I will love and adore, who I can't wait to send letters, pictures, and packages to, who I can't wait to call on the phone and share the latest news with and who we get to see regularly (shouldn't be an issue - I'm pretty attached to birth moms and their families!)

So long story short - don't let anything you read stop you from talking to us. Get to know us. If you are confused by something you've read here, talk to us. We are very open. We have no problem admitting our faults, mistakes and of course, how wonderful we are :) Just kidding!

We love openness. It is wonderful when all the parties involved treat each other with love and respect.

Thanks for reading! Love your guts!

A favorite quote of Jeremy's and mine reads: "We look at adoption as a very sacred exchange. It was not done lightly on either side. I would dedicate my life to this child." -Jamie Lee Curtis

It is hard to explain all of our feelings about openness. Much of what we want to share can only be expressed to our birthfamilies in private. But hopefully we can share a tiny taste of how we feel.

Jeremy and I love this quote because it rings so true. Adoption is the most sacred experience I've had. We have prayed, fasted and totally relied upon the Lord to bring children into our home. We go to the temple and place our birthfamilies names on the prayer roll (currently it reads "C____ family birthmom and her family" - the Lord knows who it is). We pray not only for our desires but for our birthmom. We pray that she'll have the Spirit with her and His arms of love encircled round about her as she makes her decisions. One of my favorite days during the adoption process is the moment we change those prayers from "Please bless our birthmom" to " Please bless _______ and we can change it to her name. Oh how we love to pray for her by name - again, a very sacred experience for us.

We have been through placement day once with our daughter and her birthmom and family. It was hard, it was beautiful and it was sacred. I will never forget the look on E's birthmom's face as she strapped her in the carseat and then walked to her car. For that reason alone, openness has become very sacred to our family.

Like the quote says, "It was not done lightly on either side." We know it wasn't done lightly on our side and having gone through adoption once before we absolutely know it wasn't done lightly on the side of our birthmoms. Because of the sacrifice involved, we don't expect you to hand over your child and then walk away forever. We absolutely want you to be involved with letters, pictures, and regular updates. We want you to know about the colic or the first smile, the first skinned knee and the first visit to Disneyland.

The quote continues to say "I would give my life for this child." Adoption is tricky because instead of just the usual set of 2 parents that would do anything for a child, you actually have more. All desire the best for this child. All want this child to be happy and healthy. We truely believe openness goes hand in hand with this. We want you to be involved with our family but we can't promise regular visits, family vacations, extended stays at our home, etc. (Keep reading - don't stop!!!) What we can promise you RIGHT NOW is open communication, honesty and always the ability to discuss those things. We can't promise anything because we don't know you. We want to get to know you though and as our relationship builds and grows, we are always willing to discuss openness and what is best for the child and each of us involved. We know that is what a loving birthmother would want as well.

I'll end this with a sweet example of our love for birthmothers. Emmy has quite the bedtime routine - bath, pajamas, stories, snuggling, family scripture reading, prayers, lots of tickling and giggles, etc. In her room she has hanging a picture of Jesus. She often blows kisses to Jesus or says goodnight. On other walls in her room she has a picture of Leslie's Dad holding Leslie the day she was born and in tears (we have a similar picture of Leslie holding Em for the first time in tears), and a photo of her birthmom. Many nights Emmy blows kisses to everyone - Grandpops, Jesus, Mommy and Daddy, and her birthmom. On one evening Emmy blew all her kisses but stopped and paused before blowing kisses to her birthmom's picture. She just looked at it. She had a very intense look on her face. Then she did the sign language for the word "Thanks" and blew her birthmom a kiss. Emmy is only 2 and while we speak of adoption and her birthmother to her regularly, she doesn't understand yet what her birthmom did for her. But I don't doubt for 2 seconds that she didn't mean it or that she doesn't feel it somehow. I do feel she knows in her own little way that her birthmom loved her very much and wanted her to have a Mommy and a Daddy and a more stable life than we should could give this child. We love birthmothers in our home. Not a day goes by that we don't pray for you and offer our thanks to many who have put their children first in their lives. We love you.