It's about love

Our feelings on Openness

Post Edit Note:
I wrote this post sometime last year. I still stand by what I wrote but after reading through it again tonight, I wanted to add a little something. I'm afraid that what I wrote about openness will scare away birth families. At the same time, I'm not going to promise everything when I don't know our birth family yet.

But I can tell you my dream of openness and what I envision.

I hope for a communication that is completely honest.
I desire a situation where all of our families come together as one.
I have no issues with our birth families coming to our home and regular visits - I'm just not going to promise it on my blog before I've met you! :)
I pray for our additional birth moms to love all of my children as much as their own (or at least almost as much!)
I hope for a birth mom who I will love and adore, who I can't wait to send letters, pictures, and packages to, who I can't wait to call on the phone and share the latest news with and who we get to see regularly (shouldn't be an issue - I'm pretty attached to birth moms and their families!)

So long story short - don't let anything you read stop you from talking to us. Get to know us. If you are confused by something you've read here, talk to us. We are very open. We have no problem admitting our faults, mistakes and of course, how wonderful we are :) Just kidding!

We love openness. It is wonderful when all the parties involved treat each other with love and respect.

Thanks for reading! Love your guts!

A favorite quote of Jeremy's and mine reads: "We look at adoption as a very sacred exchange. It was not done lightly on either side. I would dedicate my life to this child." -Jamie Lee Curtis

It is hard to explain all of our feelings about openness. Much of what we want to share can only be expressed to our birthfamilies in private. But hopefully we can share a tiny taste of how we feel.

Jeremy and I love this quote because it rings so true. Adoption is the most sacred experience I've had. We have prayed, fasted and totally relied upon the Lord to bring children into our home. We go to the temple and place our birthfamilies names on the prayer roll (currently it reads "C____ family birthmom and her family" - the Lord knows who it is). We pray not only for our desires but for our birthmom. We pray that she'll have the Spirit with her and His arms of love encircled round about her as she makes her decisions. One of my favorite days during the adoption process is the moment we change those prayers from "Please bless our birthmom" to " Please bless _______ and we can change it to her name. Oh how we love to pray for her by name - again, a very sacred experience for us.

We have been through placement day once with our daughter and her birthmom and family. It was hard, it was beautiful and it was sacred. I will never forget the look on E's birthmom's face as she strapped her in the carseat and then walked to her car. For that reason alone, openness has become very sacred to our family.

Like the quote says, "It was not done lightly on either side." We know it wasn't done lightly on our side and having gone through adoption once before we absolutely know it wasn't done lightly on the side of our birthmoms. Because of the sacrifice involved, we don't expect you to hand over your child and then walk away forever. We absolutely want you to be involved with letters, pictures, and regular updates. We want you to know about the colic or the first smile, the first skinned knee and the first visit to Disneyland.

The quote continues to say "I would give my life for this child." Adoption is tricky because instead of just the usual set of 2 parents that would do anything for a child, you actually have more. All desire the best for this child. All want this child to be happy and healthy. We truely believe openness goes hand in hand with this. We want you to be involved with our family but we can't promise regular visits, family vacations, extended stays at our home, etc. (Keep reading - don't stop!!!) What we can promise you RIGHT NOW is open communication, honesty and always the ability to discuss those things. We can't promise anything because we don't know you. We want to get to know you though and as our relationship builds and grows, we are always willing to discuss openness and what is best for the child and each of us involved. We know that is what a loving birthmother would want as well.

I'll end this with a sweet example of our love for birthmothers. Emmy has quite the bedtime routine - bath, pajamas, stories, snuggling, family scripture reading, prayers, lots of tickling and giggles, etc. In her room she has hanging a picture of Jesus. She often blows kisses to Jesus or says goodnight. On other walls in her room she has a picture of Leslie's Dad holding Leslie the day she was born and in tears (we have a similar picture of Leslie holding Em for the first time in tears), and a photo of her birthmom. Many nights Emmy blows kisses to everyone - Grandpops, Jesus, Mommy and Daddy, and her birthmom. On one evening Emmy blew all her kisses but stopped and paused before blowing kisses to her birthmom's picture. She just looked at it. She had a very intense look on her face. Then she did the sign language for the word "Thanks" and blew her birthmom a kiss. Emmy is only 2 and while we speak of adoption and her birthmother to her regularly, she doesn't understand yet what her birthmom did for her. But I don't doubt for 2 seconds that she didn't mean it or that she doesn't feel it somehow. I do feel she knows in her own little way that her birthmom loved her very much and wanted her to have a Mommy and a Daddy and a more stable life than we should could give this child. We love birthmothers in our home. Not a day goes by that we don't pray for you and offer our thanks to many who have put their children first in their lives. We love you.

Loved this post

One of the advantages to being sick in bed the past couple of days is that I found some amazing
blogs to read by wonderful birth mom's.

I've done my fair share of crying while devouring their posts.

I love these girls.

Some I've had the opportunity to meet,
others I never have.

But I feel bonded to them by adoption.

These wonderful birth moms are the other half to my soul - the half that made it possible to become a mother. They may not be "our" birthmom, but it doesn't matter. I love them all.

I especially loved this post (below). Great and wonderful advice about open adoptions for all involved.
Even if you're not a birth mom, or an adoptive couple I urge you to read on. You never know when you or someone you love might be affected by an open adoption.


Blog post found on Amstel Life

I noticed that Laurel from Laurel Blogs wrote on her post (Some Good Stuff) that she loves to read my blog because of the awesome relationship I have with my daughter and her adoptive parents. Thank you! Laurel also wrote, "(And please don't leave me comments that say, "But Laurel...adoption just sometimes doesn't work out that way..." because I know this. I'm talking in an ideal world, here.) Laurel brings up such a great point. I often hear people who say to me that this type of situation just doesn't work out with most people. I often find myself questioning what we did so right to end up in this kind of "ideal" situation. I know that "ideal" has a different meaning for everyone, but to me, an ideal open adoption is one where everyone respects each other, everyone openly communicates their thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, everyone puts the child's well-being at the forefront of every decision. So how exactly do we make our open adoption work? Here are some things that have worked for us..

1) If you are a prospective birthmother, choose an adoptive couple/family who you could see yourself having a strong relationship with many years down the road. Choose people with similar interests, values, and morals as your own. You're going to have to do a ton of research, but get to know as much as humanly possible about each other before the actual adoption. The more couples you interview, the better chance you have of finding a perfect match for you. If you're not comfortable with an agency, ask family, friends, and co-workers if they know anyone who is looking to adopt. Sometimes, the best match can come from someone who knows someone who knows someone. In fact, that's how we met each other!

2) If you are a prospective adoptive couple, once you are matched with (or chosen by) a birthmom, start to build your relationship soon, but as naturally as possible. Don't ask questions about the baby as soon as you meet. Concentrate on getting know each other first. When Robbie and I first met Don and De, I was so stubborn. I didn't even want to consider adoption. But Don and De started by asking Robbie & I questions, not about the baby, but about us. I could tell immediately that Don and De were interesting in getting to know us as people and not just trying to get a baby out of the deal. Yes, I know, that's not always feasible to tell if someone genuinely cares about you at first meet, but that's why you must continue to develop your relationship further before the actual adoption...and afterwards too.

3) As your relationship continues to develop, start asking more personal questions. Eventually, you should ask each other every question you can think of under the sun. Nothing should be off-limits to talk about.
Some things we thought to ask each other included:
-Are you ever going to try adopting again?
-Do you anticipate having to move away?
-How will you discipline you children?
-What type of life insurance, college fund, etc. will you set up?
-Should something happen to you both, who will take custody?
-Will you both be working, or will De be a stay-at-home mom?
-How often do you anticipate we will be able to visit Deanna?
-How will you tell Deanna about her adoption?
-Will we see Deanna less as she gets older?
-May we speak to your family and friends to ask them some questions about you?
-And the list goes on....

4) Interview family and friends of the birthmom or adoptive couple you are considering. What do these people have to say about their character, lifestyle, morals, etc? Find out as much as you can from the acquaintances of the people you are considering. Open adoption is a verbal agreement, not a signed contract, so do as much as possible to build a relationship based on trust and respect for each other.

5) Do activities together before the birth. De and I had a joint baby shower together. She got baby clothes and strollers, and I got college supplies, bikinis, and skinny jeans. It gave me a lot to look forward to (namely, college and not having kankles). Sometimes, however, a baby shower can be too much. That's okay! You can do other things together like cook a family dinner, go shopping, or help to decorate the nursery. If it's not too much, you may even consider going to doctors visits together. The best part about open adoption is that you have the ability to set limits, to decide together what works and what doesn't, and to build a relationship with the people you will likely share a special bond with for the rest of your lives.

6) Decide on a birth plan before the hospital. Birthmom Buds is an awesome birthmom network, and the founder, Coley, has created a medical brochure titled "Defining Adoption Guidelines for Medical Professionals" and the hospital action plan that coincides with it. The medical brochure is made to educate hospital staff, doctors, nurses, etc. on adoption from a birthmother's perspective in the hopes to create better hospital experiences for birthmothers. The hospital action plan goes over most of the aspects of the hospital experience for a birthmother and allows her to write in her desires and wishes for her hospital stay. It can then be shared with the adoptive parents if they are participating in the labor and delivery in anyway so that everyone can be on the same page regarding her desires. Visit http://www.birthmombuds.com/hospital.htm for more info.

7) After the birth, learning the boundaries of open adoption will be difficult at first. You can talk about what to expect until you turn blue, but everything after the birth is a whole 'nother story! You'll learn as you go, but as long as you continue to communicate and be honest with each other, things should start to come together eventually. I can't stress enough how important communication is in open adoption. Since our open adoption was very open, sometimes I had a hard time saying no to visiting. After a long day of class, sometimes I felt guilty for saying no to stopping by to see De and Deanna. There were times I just needed to take a break and be alone. I learned to take care of myself first and to visit only when I felt emotionally ready. And that made our visits so much better.

8) Counseling, counseling, counseling. Counseling. This is especially targeted towards birthmothers, because I know how much this has benefited me, but counseling at some point is probably a good idea for everyone. Birthmoms, you have got to take time to heal. It took me a long time (almost 2 years) before I was finally ready to open up and share my experience with open adoption. I was mad at the world for a solid 24 months! But counseling helped me first to heal emotionally, second to accept the decision that I made, and finally to realize the impact my story could have on others. Did I mention that my counselor at NC State was amazing???

9) Learn to accept that things will change...but life will go on! Change is inevitable, and trying to prevent change just doesn't work. People will get new jobs, make new friends, move to new places. And even though you may not be living in the same place as your child/ adoptive family, with open adoption, you will always be a part of their lives whether near or far. When Deanna and her family moved to SC, I was pretty upset. I was afraid I would hardly ever see them. While that certainly wasn't the case, their move has actually been a blessing for me. I was able to plan in advance the times I would see Deanna, and that made a huge difference in my life. I had a chance to breathe a little and to figure out who I was. One thing I've learned: change can make or break you. Which will you choose?

10) Help others...together. With permission from the other parties involved of course, share your stories! You never know who will be reading or listening. If you've had a great experience with open adoption, share it. You never know who could benefit from hearing your story. Who knows, maybe even a blog would be a great start. (Be sure to ask permission to use names too). For me, giving back has been one of the best ways to heal. I think sharing our story has brought us all closer together. I like that.

Good thing this post wasn't long or anything. Look, I know that our open adoption probably seems ideal to most people, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been challenging and difficult at times. And that doesn't mean that it never happens this way in real life. I know that not everyone has the experience with open adoption that we have had, but I just can't ignore the fact that it has worked so well for us, and we have heard so many stories from people who have amazing open adoption stories too! (Rebekah & Rebekah, anyone?) So how could we not share? I'm not saying that my advice will help everyone, but I thought it would at least be worth sharing. Hey, it worked for us, right? Alright, good talk.


Other great Birth mom blogs:
http://alyssa-rainbow.blogspot.com/
http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/
http://afchaptersmp.blogspot.com/
http://birthmom-buds.blogspot.com/

We're on YouTube!

I feel so famous.

Check out our adoption video!
And if you really want to be a peach, we'd love it if you'd post this on your blog as well!
Share the love my friends!
Help us find our forever family. Muchas Gracias!

Pray Always

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."~ C.S. Lewis

Many prayers have been offered at our house lately. Some are small - prayers to find missing keys, prayers that Emmy will take a longer nap, and prayers of gratitude that I didn't burn dinner.

Some are small but seem hugely important - prayers offered on behalf of a wisdom tooth that I desperately don't want pulled but is causing me much pain right now.

And some prayers are offered because life is hard and hope sometimes is hard to find. Here are some things we are praying for right now.
-our birthmom. Both of them actually - Em's and our future one. I feel that she is having a hard journey right now and needs lots of love and support. I wish I knew her so I could hug her.
-the R house. They find out from the judge this week if they will win a long battle for their son.
-Emmy keeps praying for a baby sister. And that she'll be a big sister. The other day she was convinced that her sister was in the temple and when i kept driving past she acted like I was one heck of a loser mom for not stopping.
- my sanity through this waiting process. I am tired. I am ready to be done. But I'm not, so I'll keep praying.

Right now, this is giving me peace:

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." Victor Hugo

3000 prayers

We have now been waiting to adopt again for 16 months. Instead of dwelling on the ache that sometimes accompanies this waiting process, I like to focus on good that has come from it. Our family has learned a lot during this time and my relationship with Heavenly Father continues to grow each day.
We have prayed a lot during this past 16 months. About 3000 times to be exact. What do we pray for? We pray that our family will have the Spirit with us to guide us in our adoption journey. We pray that we will be guided towards decisions our family needs to make. We pray for continued faith and hope. Most of all though we pray for our birthmom. We don't know her name but we pray for her every day. Usually 3-4 times a day. We know that while we don't know who she is or where she is or when she will become a part of our lives, Heavenly Father does. He knows who she is and what she needs. He also knows how to help her and guide her to our family. And when that time is right, we will know who she is and can then pray for her by name. We look forward to that day more than anything. It's one of my absolute favorite days in the adoption journey.

Dear Birthmom,
We are praying for you. In the past 16 months, we have prayed for you a lot. About 960 personal prayers from me, another 960 from Jeremy, about 430 from Emmy, another 960 during family prayers, about 380 during meal time prayers (ya, we're not perfect - we forget to pray at meal time sometimes!). Then of course there's about another 260 prayers of the heart or prayers offered throughout the day on your behalf. That's about 3000 prayers for you in the past 16 months. We love you. We can't wait to meet you. We can't wait to pray for you by name.

See you soon,
love,
our family

Just for Birth parents and their families

Dear Birth Family,

As children, many of us remember driving in the car and asking our parents “Are we there yet?” It’s the infamous question we all wondered. The experience seemed endless and often daunting and rarely did it seem worth it. Yet, when we arrive at the destination all things become clear and we then realize the sacrifice that needed to be made.
We know this must be a hard time for you. We cannot imagine the emotions you must be feeling at this time. Reading so many profiles and letters must be overwhelming and somewhat heartbreaking but we are so grateful for your willingness to come this far. We are grateful for the opportunity to share a piece of ourselves with you. It is hard to compress so much emotion and gratitude into a simple letter but we will do our best to express to you who we are and how we feel about adoption and you.
Often through our adoption journey we have asked ourselves “Are we there yet?” During our struggles with infertility it has often felt that the end was nowhere in sight. “Will we ever be parents?,” or “Have we struggled enough yet?” were questions often asked. We still have a long journey ahead of us but the picture is becoming clearer each day.

We are so grateful for adoption. We love our birthmom dearly. We know that we would not be parents if it weren’t for her love and ultimate sacrifice. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t offer gratitude for her. Each night at bedtime prayers, we ask Heavenly Father to watch over her and keep her safe. We talk of our birthmom often to Emma, sharing stories of her and our wonderful experiences with her. We blow kisses to her picture each night. While we don’t want our children growing up feeling out of place because they are adopted, we want them to know how special they are because they are adopted and the wonderful birthmom’s in our lives that allowed us to be an eternal family. We want you to be included in our lives through letters and pictures. We are absolutely willing to discuss openness with you if you are interested.
We have cried for you and prayed for you. We love you and what you are willing to do. Perhaps you too have asked yourself “Am I there yet? Am I ready for this? Is what I’m doing the right thing?” We have prayed for you each night that the Savior’s arms will embrace you as you make difficult decisions. Know that He is with you and will guide you to the family that your baby is meant to be with.

Love,
Jeremy and Leslie

Intro to Us...

We met at Utah State University our senior years. It’s actually a pretty funny story. It was the first week of school and the ward was hosting a retreat at Bear Lake that weekend. Leslie had to drive up by herself in her little car that kept breaking down. When she arrived she was told she had to park out on the beach. She begged to park somewhere else knowing her car would get stuck in the sand. Sure enough, Leslie wasn’t more than 4 feet onto the sand when her car got stuck and the wheels started spinning. Everyone just stared at her! After sinking down in her seat from total humiliation she noticed two guys running towards her. She also noticed they weren’t too bad looking either! They pulled her car out and even parked it down on the beach. Leslie didn’t get a chance to learn their names before they ran off. Later that night she noticed one of her “knights in shining armor” was playing beach volleyball so she decided to join his team. It was Leslie’s turn to serve and her “knight” was standing directly in front of her. Leslie went to serve and instead of going over the net, the ball went directly into Jeremy’s head. Leslie claims it’s because she’s only 5’4” and Jeremy is 6’4”. Jeremy claims he was bending over and Leslie needs more lessons in serving a volleyball! Leslie was completely embarrassed and vowed she’d never be able to talk to him again. Luckily, someone was watching out for their destiny and the next Sunday at church, Jeremy and Leslie were put in the same Family Home Evening group. We became best friends instantly. Four months later we kissed for the first time, were engaged 2 months after that, and were married in the Salt Lake Temple four months later.


We have loved being married and having so many adventures. Our goal is to have fun and enjoy doing everything. We have both lived places neither of us wanted to live and had jobs that neither of us liked. Our one constant was each other and making the best out of it. One experience we fondly remember is first being married and living far away from our families, friends and anything familiar. We were too broke to do much of anything, even going to a campsite. Instead we brought camping into our living room. We pitched our tent, roasted hot dogs and s’mores over our stove, decorated our apartment with glow in the dark stars and plastic bugs, and just enjoyed being together. Out of all the date nights we have since enjoyed, this still ranks one of the highest.



Our adoption journey began shortly after being married. We knew of our infertility struggles but desired to become parents as soon as possible. We waited and waited and finally 3 years later our daughter was born and placed in our family through a loving birthmother.


Emma is now an active 2 year old who loves to run, giggle, and do somersaults. She loves to read books with Mommy, wrestle and be tickled by Daddy, and play outside as much as possible. She is a total performer - she loves to watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and try to copy all their moves all while wearing a tutu, high heels, and tiara. She will sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Popcorn Popping" until you can take it no more! Emma is patient with just enough stubbornness that we believe she’ll accomplish anything she sets her mind on. She is truly the light of our lives.



As a family we love to have fun. We love to be silly and to laugh as much as possible. We enjoy being outdoors whether it’s going swimming, spending time up in the canyon, swinging on the playground, enjoying a great water fight or making snow angels in the freshly fallen snow. We love to travel and hope to go many places around the world. We mostly love being together and having fun. We have many great family traditions such as Santa letters, hot air balloons and water fights on the 4th of July, and having a green feast on St. Patrick’s Day. When we’re at home we play games or snuggle up in bed watching a movie and eating popcorn and M&M’s- a family favorite snack.