Keeping it real...

I've been struggling as of late with my blog.
I feel torn.
On one hand, this is our adoption blog. I want it to show fun things we do as a family. I want possible birth mom's to be able to get an idea of who we are, what we love to do, and what is important to our family. I want it to stay positive and full of hope because that's who we are.

On the other hand, adoption is really hard. Our journey has been especially hard and long. Though not as long and hard as some. I've received comments from friends that I make adoption look easy and our family has so much fun that the days must just fly by.

That really isn't the case. What you don't see is the many nights I've cried myself to sleep. The hours I have spent on my knees in prayer. The times I have cried during church because the pain felt more than I could bear that day. The times my husband has asked "why?" and wondering "what else can I do for my family?" The endless conversations I've had with my daughter as she's asked why she can't be a big sister but so-and-so in her primary class gets to be.

Adoption is painful. The last 3 years while we have waited to add to our family have been harder than I ever would have imagined. They've been glorious too. I've watched people in my ward who I hardly know join us in prayer. I've seen small miracles and tender mercies happen along the way.

So bear with me and this blog. I'm not even sure I have any readers left. I'm not giving up. I know there is at least one more child meant for this family. I know we have tried everything we can think of to bring another little one to our family but every day we look for new things to try. We still have hope.

I am so blessed and grateful for my daughter. Today she and I were on our way to see Tangled (for the 3rd time!). Out of the blue she said "Mommy, when I get home, I'm going to kneel by my bed and pray really hard for a baby to come to our family."
I thought for sure she would forget.

When we came home, she marched right upstairs and knelt by her bed in prayer. A couple of minutes she came down with a huge smile on her face. Awhile later I asked how her prayer went. She said, "Heavenly Father was listening to me. I can't wait to be a big sister."

Oh Emmy, I love you so much. Thank you for teaching me about faith and prayer. On days like today when my faith is waivering, you remind me to keep believing.

The past several days Emmy has been asking about the day she was born and wanting every detail of her birth story. Jeremy and I have loved sharing it with her and reliving an incredible time in our family. So grateful for her birth mom and the opportunity to be a mom. I can't wait for the chance to do it all over again. I can't wait to tell Emmy that she is a big sister. I can't wait until the day I can go to the store and finally purchase the shirt that says "Big Sister" on it. I can't wait to put a little one in her arms and feel the sweet tenderness that she often shows us.

It will be another incredible day for this family.